What does being present with a child look like?

6 min read

Manny, Joss Cambridge-Simmons, reflects on the importance of being present for children, having all the answers, cultivating safety, and how does presence equal LOVE for children?

Through the article Joss talks about ‘The Power Of Love, Presence And Cultivating Safety’ and uses the word ‘village’ in connection with the saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’.

“Love Ethics”

The approach is very much child-led. As carers/parents, our role is crucial in empowering children to make healthy choices and decisions. This fosters their independence and nurtures their well-being and social skills, among other benefits. Our warmth and love create a secure environment that builds their confidence and self-esteem, independent of their accomplishments.

“Presence not Presents”

As someone who has grown up with the belief that “Presence over Presents” is the way to go, I can say with confidence that the most precious gift you can give a child is your time and love. There’s no better way to show them you care than by spending quality time with them, which they’ll always treasure. Children tend to equate love with the amount of time playing with them. So, if you want to make a child feel special, make sure you’re there for them, both physically and emotionally.

But it also leads me to the question: How present are we for ourselves?

It always starts with us, and if we go a little bit deeper, how we show up as adults for the children in our villages tends to reflect on how we show up for our own “inner child”.

Showing up for ourselves and allowing others to do the same allows our inner child to heal, be seen and be heard, aiding us as adults. This allows us to be present in real time for our villages, from a healthy place with healthy intentions.

Your presence shouldn’t interrupt the energy, vibes, or play; it should add to it all and create safety… It could be sitting in silence, adding a resource to the environment (scaffolding learning), or responding to an invite into play.

Presence reassures and aids secure attachments and cultivates the basis of what a safe space needs for children and villages to thrive. The most significant resource we have to give is love.

“Less is best”

Learning to do nothing is imperative for our peace and children’s secure attachments. We should not always think we have to intercept or be involved in children’s play, be it risky (within reason), or so exciting that we feel we have to play too, lol (I’m talking about myself here!).

Taking a break and allowing ourselves to do nothing is a constructive way to look after our well-being. It enables us to find the stillness we need to heal, learn, and accept things as they are. Our children also benefit from this space to grow, experiment, play, and experience life to the fullest. Our presence is crucial to provide them with the love and support they need during all these moments, which in turn, helps them thrive and flourish.

“We Are not fixers; We are sources of safety” #LoveHeals

Our love doesn’t ‘fix’; it cultivates, heals, reassures, and creates safety. Over time, our children will see us as safe spaces to run to and seek comfort and reassurance, as our presence and love are a constant source of safety in their lives.

We don’t need all the answers because we’re not here to fix children’s problems – we’re here to support children through them with love, grace and patience.

Children who have a strong relationship with their caregivers are more likely to ask for help when they need it. They know who they can turn to and feel safe enough to seek assistance. This confidence in seeking help is a crucial skill that children can carry throughout their lives. So, let’s empower our children to ask for help when they need it, knowing that they have a network of trusted adults ready and willing to assist them. This always looks different due to age, a child’s ability, and so much more. Adults and children can sometimes ask for what they need in ways that reflect their feelings and actions but not communicate vocally. This can be due to trauma, not having the tools, not feeling safe, and so many more variables that can make it hard for them to say how they feel.

This is where, over time, we learn that we need not always expect children to express their feelings with words. I respond with connection, not correction when children struggle with emotions and communication. We need to give grace and compassion – and to remember that we adults don’t always know how we feel, so we can’t expect children to know either. It is imperative to provide children with tools that enable them to express themselves effectively. Storybooks, stress dolls, art, and other creative activities have proven to be effective in helping children manage their emotions. Providing children with these tools can give offer the necessary outlet to communicate their emotions and lead to improved emotional well-being.

“The importance of healthy relationships”

It’s important to establish a strong and healthy relationship with our emotions and feelings before learning how to communicate with them effectively. It’s okay to take the time to understand and empathise with our emotions, and we must be present and attentive to achieve this. This can be a powerful and transformative experience that can positively impact our lives. Positive relationships with our children are built on safety, stillness, and healthy interdependence. Your presence as a parent or caregiver is a powerful resource that can shape your child’s world and give them confidence and safety to seek help from their village, understand love, and give and receive it.

Children learn from us. They tend to do what we do before they do what we say, so the village’s adults must do the work and show up for themselves in healthy ways that aid healing, growth, teach Love, and lead with grace & compassion. It is essential that we learn to be compassionate towards ourselves, just as we are towards others. We must be mindful of the fact that those who give love and care also require the same in return. Taking care of ourselves is not selfish, it is necessary for our well-being. Let us remember to be kind and understanding towards ourselves, for we too deserve the same love and care that we offer to others.

Asking for help is only doable when one feels safe to ask. Children learn this by how we respond to them when they show us they need us, even if how they show us is triggering. We must respond to the emotions with love and tenderness, rather than responding to the behaviour. This refocuses us and the child on re-connection in the moment (Love Safety).

Just last week, one of the little girls I care for talked to me about why she thought we did not have to love ourselves and how she profoundly felt it was not the right thing to do. She also said that you should love everyone else and not yourself.

This ignited a lovely conversation about how much I love her, why, and what it looks like. I could talk to her about loving myself, what it looks like, and how it enables me to love her and everyone else.

I used an empty cup, a full cup, a watered plant, and a non-watered plant during our conversation, not to convince her, but to give her another way to think about love…

That is what presence is about: building secure, safe, loving attachments.

“Love is real”

The interaction with the little girl reminded me that we don’t always need to have the answers to our children’s questions and worries. But we do need to do our best to be present and engrossed in hearing and being there for our children. Showing up is the most important thing a child can ask us to do for them.

This allows them to see that we are there for them, even if they don’t want us to be. It teaches that our love for them is not transactional or based on what they do or do not do. As caregivers, we have been blessed with a fantastic opportunity to spread happiness and joy through the love we show to the little ones in our care. Let’s always remember that love is an action word – something we do actively – and by doing so, we can enrich not only the lives of the children we care for but also our lives. So, let’s continue to shower these little angels with our love and make their lives even more cheerful, and brighter!

It starts with us, our child’s first teacher of love, our child’s first safe space. Our children’s relationship with us all depends on our relationship with ourselves.